You are not alone…for the guys

 

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For the guys…you are not alone…

…if you don’t want to tell anyone you know that you are going through infertility.

…if you feel a little or a lot angry at your wife for making you go to an infertility doctor.

…if you feel uncomfortable in the exam room when the doctor puts the magic wand into your wife in the name of infertility ‘science’.

…if you feel like you are in some sordid ménage a trios and you are the one getting the least action.

…if you have no idea how you are supposed to fill that sperm sample cup.

…if you have no idea what to say to the sperm tech as you hand off your sample.

…if you feel like you’re not a real man because you’ve just learned you have a low count, no count, no viable sperm, no sperm at all your sperm are doubleheaded, pin headed, flat headed or otherwise deformed, they are lazy swimmers.

…if you don’t know what to say to your wife when an infertility cycle fails

…if you say you don’t want to do infertility and don’t realize that you are taking away the potential for your wife’s womb to do what nature and God designed her to do.

…if your own low sperm count makes you think that maybe your wife would be better off with some virile, fertile man.

…if you want to punch the guy who just asked you if you’re ‘shooting blanks.’

…if you want to punch the next guy who says he gets his wife pregnant just looking at her.

…if you love your wife so much it hurts you deep inside to see her cry.

…if you feel like something must be missing in your marriage for her to want a baby this much.

…if you secretly think about keying your infertility doctor’s car so he feels some financial pain after a failed infertility cycle.

…if you feel like you’re going to throw up when you get the total cost breakdown for an IVF cycle.

….if you do throw up when you get the total cost breakdown for an IVF cycle.

…if you want to protect your wife from the pain of infertility by avoiding family get togethers, unsafe fertile friends, insensitive pricks, nosy mind your business do gooders, and all pregnant women in general.

…if you shed a tear because that cycle didn’t work.

…if you fall apart with your wife when that cycle doesn’t work.

…if you beg God to take your soul if He will just give your wife her dream baby.

…if you begin to formulate conspiracy theories about the true motives of those practicing infertility

…if you want to hug and kiss very person in that fertility clinic the day you finally get your positive pregnancy test .

…if you have no idea what FET, ICSI, IVF, IUI, GOFI, PESA and the other acronyms spinning off your fertility doctors mouth even mean.

…if you can’t believe how much you actually know about a woman’s reproductive biology.

…if you actually go to buy pads for your wife and aren’t uncomfortable at all as the prepubescent clerk rings them up.

…if you wonder about the cosmic injustice of infertility as you watch the teenage mother with the nose ring smack her kid for the fourth time in line at the check out stand.

…if you are half tempted to take that kid to a home where she’d never be hit.

….if you wonder how the hell you’re going to afford to keep doing more cycles.

…if you’ve finally realized the greatest gift you can give your wife is a soft place for her tears to fall when it all falls apart.

….if you want to tell every guy who is going through infertility he can take it, he’ll make it through it, and my God, when you hold that incredible, slimy little creature you will feel a connection to another human being that transcends anything you’ve ever felt before.

…if you believe that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen is that baby in your wife’s arms.

…if you know the greatest thing you’ve ever done was face your infertility, persevere, and finally succeed.

…if you marvel at seeing your own reflection in the eyes of a baby that you fought so hard to bring into this world

…if you want to tell every personhood bill creator just how much better the world is because your formerly frozen embryo is in it.

…if you want to see better insurance coverage, more awareness, and less stigma over the topic of infertility.

…if you want give every other dude who feels clueless, angry, speechless and lost in his infertility journey a big ‘man hug’ and fist bump and tell him—it’s all good. It will all work out…and most of all tell him:

 

You are not alone.

7 Responses to You are not alone…for the guys

  1. Thank you! I Appreciate your willingness to be an under represented voice for men under the cruel stress of infertility. We have super severe male infertility (like zero and no answers why and a super fertile family) and its so helpful for me and My husband to see we’re not Alone. infertility is hard regardless of gender but I do Think for men it presents even bigger challenges with our cultural and Social expectations for men and their emotions!

    • thank you for your words Carolyn. I have had men in support groups with severe male infertility and certainly presents an even more challenging set of emotional difficulties. I don’t know where you are in your research about ways infertility science is dealing with these cases, but I recently did some writing about options for sperm retrieval in cases where men have zero sperm counts with normal samples. The names are kind of frightening, but the research and success rates appear to be promising in cases of super server male infertility.
      • PESA: percutaneous epididymal sperm aspiration.
      • MESA: microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration.
      • TESA: testicular sperm aspiration. This includes testicular fine needle aspiration (TFNA).
      • TESE: testicular sperm extraction.

    • Carolyn, I would just like to offer my support and encouragement as someone whose husband also has a zero sperm count. A quick physical exam by an urologist confirmed that my husband (who has cystic fibrosis) was born without a vas deferens (the plumbing, so to speak)so his swimmers have no way out. He underwent MESA (as Denny mentioned) and we retrieved 8 vials of swimmers – more than enough! I apologize if this is redudant information, but I wanted to be sure you knew that a zero sperm count is not neccessarily the end…just a bump in the road. Best wishes to you!

  2. Thank you Denny for creating this wonderful corner of the web for the male voice of infertility. Reading this has really struck a chord with me. In the last few months, my wife and I have gone public with our struggles to conceive. The purpose has been to break the taboo stigma surrounding talk of infertility and to raise awareness of my fundraising for a support charity here in the UK. I have found it very difficult to know what to say to my wife after our 4 failed cycles of IUI and we are now approaching a cycle of IVF. We have unexplained infertility which is hugely frustrating and I sometimes get very angry or upset with some of the situations above. But fighting it publically together is making my wife and I stronger, and certainly everyone in our circle now has a greater understanding of the issues surrounding infertility. So thank you Denny for bringing this to the world, I look forward to reading more…

    Regards

    Leigh

    • Thank you Leigh for being brave enough to speak out. Our voices are much louder together with our wives, and it’s time the taboo stigma as you so beautifully put it was broken once and for all. Hope to hear more from you in the future too.

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